


Vivid Illusions

by IncognitoX



Category: Babii, GMMTV, offgun
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Angst, College, Fluff, High School, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 20:47:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28926768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IncognitoX/pseuds/IncognitoX
Summary: Two years ago, Gun got into a car crash and lost all of his memories. Everyone told him that he was fortunate to be with Jaylerr, but his mind flashes through images of a different man.
Relationships: Off Jumpol Adulkittiporn/Gun Atthaphan Phunsawat
Comments: 5
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two years ago, Gun got into a car crash and lost all of his memories. Everyone told him that he was fortunate to be with Jaylerr, but his mind flashes through images of a different man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a work of fiction. Unless otherwise indicated, all the names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents in this book are either the product of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
> 
> The story contains graphic depictions of violence, sexuality, strong language, and/or other mature themes.
> 
> -X
> 
> Video trailer on twitter under @otingocniX's threads, made by @FRUITYHANJI. Thank you, baby.

“Happy birthday, Gun!” they all exclaimed as Jaylerr brought the cake to me. He was smiling widely and dancing- careful not to make a mistake or the cake will slip from his hand. My friends were clapping, and the back of their phones were directly towards us capturing this moment.

He then stopped in front of me and said “Make a wish, baby.” The guests squealed with his words. They said that I am lucky to have him stay by my side after the car accident that I had 2 years ago. Pim, my sister, described it as the most horrible thing she has ever witnessed happening to someone she loves. Especially, when I muttered “Who are you?” when she hugged me.

That’s when they realized that I had no memory of the accident at all or any of the events before that night.

I’m not the trusting type of person. Even my parents didn’t know what to do with me when I rejected their help countless times. But Jaylerr never gave up on me.

He told me stories from my past and helped me with my medication. He said that we were in love before and that night, I was about to go home from his apartment. Next thing he knew, Pim was calling him because of the news.

They’re right. I am lucky to have him in my life.

I nodded and clasped both of my palms together. The sight I last saw was Jaylerr’s lips but when I closed my eyes, a different smile flashed through my mind. Images of a man dancing while holding a cake became vague and vivid all at the same time. Memories I never had before came rushing. It was just the two of us alone.

_“Gun, do you love me?”_ the man whispered that I had to pinch my own skin so hard to snap out of it. I opened my eyes and saw Jaylerr full of hope within his.

But my attention wasn’t with him.

It was with the guy behind Tay and Arm. He’s casually sipping a drink while looking at me. Chills went down my spine and dozens of insects suddenly decided to visit my stomach for some reason. Feelings I have never felt before when I’m with Jaylerr.

“Have you made your wish?” he murmured. I gulped and blew the candle’s light.

“Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” they were all yelling simultaneously. I smiled and politely shook my head.

“Gun doesn’t like PDA!” Jaylerr luckily saved me but I know what they were all thinking. They’re hoping that I would finally say yes to him after 2 years of courting me.

But how can I?

How can I when I have memories kissing a man named Off Jumpol?

The resort was full of guests asking me when I am planning to make it official with Jaylerr as he was singing with Paris on the stage. All I could reply was “I don’t know.” Because one- I really don’t know, two- I haven’t been paying much attention to them compared to what I’m giving for the man on the stool, drinking quietly like a loner. I averted my eyes when he suddenly got up and took the escalator. I drank two more glasses of mojito and told my friend, Mook, that I’m going to the bathroom.

I took the escalator and silently followed him. I didn’t make any noise as I was afraid to be noticed and be accused of being creepy. What am I going to say? Why am I having flashbacks of you kissing me?

Eww, Gun. Way to go not to be a creep.

We went up until the rooftop where the wind welcomed me with open arms. It was cold and I had to rub my arms for heat.

“Why did you follow me?” I flinched when I heard his baritone voice. He leaned on to the wall and stared at me with amusement on his face.

“Uuhh.” Think, Atthaphan. “Have we met before?” I asked trying not to stutter with his intense gaze.

“Yes. At Tay’s party. He introduced me to you.” He nodded and brought out a pack of cigarette. I was quickly distracted by that, especially, when he tried to light one.

“No. Before that.” I mumbled as images of me stomping a cigarette came flashing again.

_“Stop that.”_ I heard my own voice.

I did not know what possessed me when I actually tried to take away his cigarette for unknown reason. He was shocked but he didn’t complain.

Confusion was evident from my eyes when I uttered the words “Stop that.”

His ragged breathing was loud as familiarity dawned on his face. “Or what?”

_“Or what?”_ said the man in my memory.

It became even clearer as I looked deeply in his eyes. I could’ve sworn they sparkled with hope when I broke the silence between us.

_“Or I’ll kiss you.”_

“Or I’ll kiss you?” I whispered, following the recollections coming back to me like it was yesterday.

The tension was rapidly increasing. Maybe, it was because of the alcohol. Maybe, it was because of the ambiance. Or maybe, it was because of this man in front of me. It was like there’s a gravity pulling me when I walked towards him. He didn’t budge. Instead, he gulped twice while looking at me, glancing at my lips every time he gets a chance.

“Or I’ll kiss you.” I spoke softly but this time, it was unambiguous. “Who are you?” Our lips were inches away from each other when he suddenly took a deep breath and moved past me.

“I knew it. Coming here was a big mistake.” I heard him as he tried to march away.

“Papii.” I don’t know where that came from. I haven’t even heard that word before, yet it was effective for him to suddenly stop on his tracks. He turned to me with a deranged look from his eyes.

“Papii.” I took a step as I called for him, but he flinched- like a scared lion.

“Do not take another step, Gun, or I swear to God, you won’t like what I’ll do to you. I have no patience left for ignoring everything for everyone’s sake. Just go back to your boyfriend.” He dismissed me. Frustrations from the years remembering him poured like waterfall.

“He is not my boyfriend.” I mumbled as tears began to form. “How can I go to him when all I remember is you?”

“Remembering me won’t do you any good.” He said and shut his eyes. It was like he was giving up on everything at the moment.

“But I do remember you. I remember how I used to give you neck kisses, I remember you holding my sweaty hands as we cross the street. I remember you not liking PDA but you’ll just hug me out of nowhere. I remember you,” I sniffed and wiped my tears, “bringing me my birthday cake and goodnight calls before I go to bed. I remember you.” I was about to walk towards him when he yelled.

“I said do not take another step, Gun.”

“Or what?” my voice was croaky from all the crying.

He didn’t answer for a full minute. We were just there staring at each other while we hear the loud wind from the rooftop.

“Or I’ll kiss you.”

I bit my lip and managed to chuckle. I looked down at my feet and took a small step. It’s not much but I think it was enough for him to shut up and do what he has told me. I raised my head as he cussed so loud. It was just four big steps for his long legs to close the distance between us. He kissed me with so much passion and longing. The familiarity of his lips consumed me that I immediately hooked my hands on his neck. I felt his crawling on my waist, pulling me against him like the proximity was never enough.

It will never be enough.

It was strange. I haven’t kissed anyone within two years but with him, it was fluent and experienced and long. So long that I had to pull his hair away from him to breathe.

“I need to breathe, Papii.” I murmured. Maybe, pulling his hair was a bad idea after all because I literally saw how his eyes changed from vulnerable to dangerous.

Fuck.

He grabbed my head and kissed me again, only this time, his tongue explored my mouth like it was his.

And I let him. ‘Cuz it was his.

He sucked my lips as my face radiated heat from all the noise we’re making. Besides, we’re at the rooftop. Anyone could just walk from the door and see us.

“Gun? Off?” I quickly pulled away from Off as my thoughts immediately turned into reality. I heard Tay’s voice and before I let him see us like this, I grabbed Off’s hands and ran towards the small room of the rooftop. It was dark but I saw the cleaning supplies before I locked the door. I peeped through the small vertical line of the door and spotted Tay with Jaylerr.

“Shit.” I whispered as I felt Off’s bulge poking at my butt. He didn’t even try to hide it. Instead, he pushed himself against me as he held me on my stomach. He played with my belly button that I had to suppress my moans by biting my lower lip. His heavy breaths on my left ear says how much he yearned for this.

“Gun, let me kiss you, please.” He said in a hoarse and pleading voice that I had to turn to him and grant his wish. I took him by his jaw and kissed him with all my might. The wall was cold but that wasn’t the only reason I was shivering. His legs rubbed my crotch continuously as he pinned both my arms up with just one hand. The other was creeping inside my shirt and playing with my nipples and belly button.

“Mmpp!” I gasped when it went down my bulge and massaged it. He found its head with the cloth still in the way and rubbed it slowly with just a finger. A fucking finger and I’m already at the edge!

I shook my head as a protest and turned it so he can’t kiss me. “Papii, please stop. I’m near.”

“You’re near? Wow. You must really miss me that much.” He laughed and I was shocked when he suddenly kneeled down and pulled my pants together with my boxers. I can feel all the blood rushing on my face as my member sprung onto life and he just stared at it with amusement on his face.

“Fuck.” He muttered and kissed the tip of it. I pushed my hands against my mouth to not make a sound as he devoured it whole. The inside of his mouth is hot and wet and almighty fuck, it was heavenly. The way his tongue wrapped around my shaft and occasionally licking my balls made me silently squirm in delight.

“They’re not here.” I heard Jaylerr’s voice from outside and I had to bite the skin of my palm when Off’s tongue licked the gap of my head. I can feel the waves of pleasure coming to me but when he tried to press his finger on my butthole, I lost it. My cum shot into his mouth like a garden hose and he didn’t even bother to stop. He sucked and lapped and licked it until the last drop. I could’ve sworn this was the best that I’ve experienced but I can’t remember it all.

But I’m pretty sure, Off Jumpol’s the only one I’ve ever done it with.

He stood up with a smug smirk on his face. I heard footsteps and the closing of the door. Maybe they’re finally gone. Weakened, I slowly brought my hands down and let them hang on my sides.

“Are you fine, baby?” he whispered and kissed my earlobe. His tongue traced the structure of my ear and with just that, I felt myself coming back to life again. I grabbed his bulge and rubbed it with my small hands. I wish I remembered how big it was, so I know what I was getting into. I didn’t pull his pants down. I opened his zipper and brought his dick out.

“Aah!” he grunted and kissed me torridly. He made me turn around and placed smooches on my neck which aroused me even more. “But we don’t have protection, Papii.” I said while pushing myself against the wall and casually grinding my butt on his member.

“Don’t worry. I won’t take you here.” Once again, he wrapped my shaft from behind and rubbed its tip. “Close your legs for me real tight, Gun.”

I did what he asked me to do. He placed his cock between my legs and thrusted slowly. “Do you remember this?”

I shook my head and softly moaned his name as an answer. “P’Off~”

“No? Then can I be selfish now and make you remember everything?” he halted, and I knew instantly that he’s really asking me for permission to let him in my life. For two years, I was always missing someone, and I don’t even know who that someone was until Tay introduced me to him at a party. The first time I laid my eyes on him, I knew he was going to be important to me. It’s clear now that even if I haven’t gotten all of my memories back, my heart would always choose him.

“Make me remember everything, Papii.” I smiled and kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I posted this story from another account months ago. But then I deleted that account for personal shitty reasons. This is my new one now. I will update this story as often as I could.
> 
> -X


	2. Chapter 2

_“You’ve got no experience at all. Is that why you’re watching that?”_

_“If you want, I can teach you.”_

_“Gun, do you love me?”_

A deafening noise from my phone enveloped the room. I slowly opened my eyes as the sunshine peeked through the window. Lazily, my hands tried to search for the phone above my head but instead, groped the book I was reading last night. I sat up and grabbed the phone when I saw Jaylerr’s name on the screen.

“Hello?” I said in a croaky voice and yawned.

“Good morning. Did I wake you up?” he greeted with an amused tone.

“It’s fine.”

The bed feels so nice that I let myself fall and feel it again against my back.

“I’m sorry. I just love listening to your morning voice. And to see if you remember your appointment for today.”

My brows automatically furrowed themselves as I stared at the date on the screen.

_June 15, 2020_

_Monday_

“Oh. I’ll be right over. Ten o’clock?” I moaned a little when I stretched my whole body.

“No. You can come over anytime you like. It’s the perks of having your doctor as your suitor.”

“That’s not very professional, doc.” I chuckled.

“Okay, then. You better be here at ten, Mr. Phunsawat. My sched is full and I won’t wait for you even if you’re just a minute late. I have a lunch date with my future boyfriend.” He beamingly laughed on the other line.

“Does your future boyfriend know about this said lunch date?”

“I don’t know. Let me ask him.” He paused for three seconds that I had to glance at my screen to see if he has already hung up. “Hey, my future boyfriend Gun Atthaphan? I was thinking of a lunch date at this new sushi place. Is that alright with you?” I giggled so loud at his silliness.

It’s always been like this for the past two years. It has been a routine that Jaylerr will call me first thing in the morning- making sure I start my day with a smile. He’ll check if I’m able to drink my medicine. He’ll remind me of my doctor’s appointments that just turns out to be our meeting.

Most importantly, he’ll tell stories from my past. He said we were college friends and met on a PE class. The teacher assigned us to be travel buddies. Since then, we became very close.

It’s fun listening to him telling tales because from time to time, flashing images of a younger Jaylerr will visit my mind. Like when he saved me as I nearly fell from the stool when I was doing a mural painting, or when he did everything he could do to stop me from crying when I accidentally spilled coffee on my nearly done plates.

Oh, the last one was just so dumb of me. I wonder how I finished that project. Jaylerr said he doesn’t know. Of course, I’m not expecting him to know everything. Still, I am very grateful to at least have someone who can tell me what I was like or who I am. Without him, I’d surely be lost.

“You’re not stressed, are you?” Jaylerr asked as he held my head, checking if the cut from the surgery was fading. I smiled as he gazed upon me with a worried look.

“No.” I shook my head. “Why? Is there something wrong?”

“No. Nothing. Your results are fine. But having an amnesia is not easy. You may experience dizziness or uhmm- pulsing in your head as you remember. Do you… remember anything from your past?”

Retrograde amnesia. Jaylerr stated that I will remember the distant memories that typically shows childhood to my adolescent years before those recent ones. I regained the former but the other one seems to be taking its sweet time.

“I remember being nervous when I took the entrance exam for the Special Science Class in high school. And how a girl in the other section, Jane, mocked me for having a petite figure for a guy. But then confessed her love to me at our graduation.”

We laughed as he sat on his desk, looking at me with amusement. “What did you say?” He removed strands of my hair poking my eyes. I obediently stayed at sat still in front of him.

“I don’t know. I haven’t gotten to that part yet. But I think I shot her down really hard.”

“Really? I’ve never imagined you being harsh.” he smirked.

“What am I like then?”

He slowly reached for my hand and looked at it like it’s the most interesting thing in the world. “You were my ball of sunshine when I was down. A smile from you would instantly complete my day.” He massaged my palm that made me raise my eyes to watch him.

“That’s why I can’t imagine you being rude to someone because it’s just not in your personality.”

_“Leave me alone, you son of a bitch! I don’t need to explain anything to you.”_ I heard my own voice. Blurry images of me swatting a hand came flashing like a scene from a movie. My eyebrows creased in confusion.

If it’s not in my personality to be rude, what was that memory then?

_“If you want, I can teach you.”_ Sultry lips. Pointy nose. Smug grin. A man with narrow sight nearly lost the orb in his eyes as he sneered in entertainment.

I snapped out and flinched when Jaylerr gently held my cheeks. “That’s what makes you my favorite person.” he whispered as he closed the distance between our lips. “Your face is boiling hot. Are you finally falling, Gun?”

_“Gun, do you love me?”_ Heavy breaths. Dark eyes. The hazy face of a man continued to haunt me as Jaylerr’s lips was just inches from mine.

Shit.

“Doc?” The door flew open that I quickly pushed him away and averted my eyes. I got up and pretended that I was searching for something in my bag.

“Oh, I’m sorry!” the girl in the nurse’s uniform didn’t know where to look. We both were panicking while Jaylerr just sat there laughing his ass off.

“Stop freaking out, you two.” He snorted.

“I’m sorry! Next time, I’ll knock. I promise! It’s just uhh… Doc. Godji emailed you a scan from one of her patients and she needs a second opinion before proceeding to the surgery.” We made eye-contact and she mouthed the words “I’m sorry. Emergency.” I nodded in embarrassment.

“Oh. I’ll go check on it right now.” Jaylerr replied enthusiastically and quickly turned on his desktop. The nurse gave me one last look of apology and closed the door.

So, that was humiliating.

Jaylerr glanced at me as he waited for the computer to boot up. I felt my cheeks turning hot as he bore his eyes at me, as if waiting for my reaction that I had to continue to pretend looking for something in my bag.

As if on cue, my phone rang with Jennie’s name on the screen. I thanked all the saints as I looked back at Jaylerr.

“It’s my boss. Excuse me.”

“Sure, baby.” Jaylerr nodded. I quickly swiped the answer button and left the room to let him focus on his work.

“Gun?”

“Hello, P’Jennie?” I walked through the corridor and found a door for fire exit. The warm air welcomed me as soon as I stepped outside. Humidity is normal in Bangkok as it’s in the middle of the day.

“I have some exciting news for you!” she squealed her lungs out from the other line that I had to turn it away from me.

“Calm down first, P’!”

“How can I when your painting was chosen for the auction?!”

My eyes instantly widened in surprise that I had to press my phone against my ear- as if that’s going to make me hear better. “What?!”

“Your painting will be hung for the auction!”

“What auction?!” I kinda have an idea on what she’s talking about, but I guess I need to hear it from other people to make sure. And when she said “Austine Gallery.”, I nearly peed my pants from the shock.

“Seriously?”

“YES!”

“FUCK, SERIOUSLY?!”

“Gun Atthaphan! I’m still your boss! But fuck, seriously!” We both shrieked together as I tried to cover my mouth and prevented myself from making a noise. I was smiling so hard that if someone sees me waving my hands in the air, they will probably think that I’m a lunatic.

Austine Gallery will hold an auction next next week. 10% of the money will go to the artist and the 90% will be donations for the victims of the current disasters in the Philippines. Since it’s an exclusive event for aristocrats and elites, they’d be picking the best entries from the best painters in the world. I just didn’t expect mine to be included.

But I submitted five paintings on canvas. Which painting was it?

“P’Jennie, which painting?”

“Oh! Right! The eyes! I forgot the title of that one. Uhmm.” I heard her fingers snapped repeatedly as if remembering something.

“The Narrow-Eyed Lad?”

“Yes! That one! Would you mind bringing it to the gallery now so they can have a look at the painting? They’ll be here at 1 PM.”

“Today?”

“Yes. I’m sorry. I know it’s your day off. It’s just that I told them that they can come over anytime and they kinda want to inspect the artworks as early as possible before the event. I’m sorry, Gun.”

“Are you kidding me? Why are you saying sorry?! It’s an honor. I’ll be right there.”

“Okay! We’ll wait here!”

“P’Jennie!” I yelled before she hung up the phone. Luckily, she heard it from the other line.

“Yes?”

“Thank you.” I hope she can hear the sincerity in my voice.

They said that I got a job at her gallery when I was just a fresh graduate. Unfortunately, the incident happened. I don’t know what my passions were and what to do in my life. It’s like learning how to live from scratch 101. And I haven’t even made a single achievement at her firm as I was a new employee. Of course, why would they want me?

But then Jennie visited at the hospital during my therapy session. She didn’t say anything. I remembered thinking how weird she was because she didn’t even explain why she suddenly popped in. She just… sat beside me and gave me her card.

_“I don’t know you that well. But if you want to find your passion, find me and you’ll get your job back at the gallery.”_

She then walked away with a smile on her face. Later that day, I found out that P’ helped in dealing with my hospital bills. I owe her a lot. She became like my stepmother. She pushed me forward to where I am today.

“I’m proud of you, Gun.” she said with tenderness.

My lips automatically rose.

I told Jaylerr that I needed to take the painting in my apartment and bring it to the gallery. He offered me a ride and I promised that I will treat him to that new sushi place.

This is the reason why I’ve never felt lost in those two years of not fully regaining my memories. My families and friends helped a lot. They didn’t give up on me even if I’m a stubborn patient and rejected their approaches at first.

But Jaylerr…

I glanced at him as he looked around the living room of my condo unit.

“I’m sorry that I’m delaying your lunch. You must be starving.” I apologized as I put my bag down at the sofa.

“No. It’s okay. Besides, I get to see your apartment. This is the first time I’ve been here. You never let me in.” he smirked. “Why? Are you afraid that something would happen to us the minute we’re alone?” He walked towards me that I had to slowly back away.

“Pft! No! Why would I be scared?” It was embarrassing enough that I can’t look at him in the eyes but then, I even flinched when the distance was just a step.

“Exactly. You can just say yes to me and we’ll see from there.” He then locked his hands on me as I leaned on to the head of the sofa. I stared at him with wide eyes and studied his face. “When are you going to say yes, baby?”

Narrow eyes.

Pointy nose.

Sultry lips.

Exact descriptions of the guy in my dreams.

But there’s something wrong.

“Gun, do not look at me like that or I might be tempted. There’s no one here who will burst in the room and save you.” He whispered like a prayer. I averted my eyes past him and took a deep breath.

“Uhmm. Wait for me here.” I politely pushed him that broke the tension. His adam’s apple moved twice that told me he’s nervous, too.

He’s nervous while guilt crept up within me.

“Do you want me to help you?”

“No. It’s fine. Just sit there.” I immediately answered and turned to the corner of the room where no one was allowed including my family members. I always lock the door because behind it are my most prized possessions.

It wasn’t just a room filled with paintings.

It was a room loaded with my deepest thoughts.

I opened the door and saw dozens of my sketches pinned on the wall. The paintings were nothing but parts of faces from the anonymous guy in my dreams.

Narrow eyes.

Pointy nose.

Sultry lips.

My hands fidgeted as I closed my eyes really tight, trying to remember Jaylerr’s features. Some say that my works were based on him but no. They were created with the details of the unknown man in my head. How many times have I tried painting his whole face?

But I can’t seem to get it right.

I started doubting myself that maybe, Jaylerr is really that guy and I’m just hallucinating. There’s something wrong with my brain. Of course, I shouldn’t trust it at all!

But the weird thing is that every time I would convince myself that I am just overthinking things and that Jaylerr is that same person in my dreams, I would be even more confuse. More confused than when I was believing that maybe, I just don’t remember anything yet. That I just haven’t met the person who fits the puzzle.

I have an amazing set of people in my life. I have a great job. I’m pursuing my passion and I’m getting paid for it. What more can a man need in his life to be genuinely happy? I am grateful for all of these things but there’s just… I’m sure… there’s just something missing.

I stared at the whole room filled with my distorted recollections that became my artworks. Then stopped at the painting of a guy that only shows a part of his forehead and his narrow eyes.

So, who are you?


	3. Chapter 3

_‘They said that the most beautiful thing in your face is your eyes for they speak thousands of words more than a mouth could say._

_But I detest mine._

_His, however, was wonderful in every possible and unimaginable way.’_

“Gun, what are you doing! The gallery is about to open. Aren’t you a bit nervous?” Mook came bursting out the door while fanning herself. “You’re reading?! You still have the guts to read at a time like this?!” She asked so many questions in a single breath. She could be a rapper.

I met Mook at a carving workshop. My boss said that I needed to understand different kinds of art to be able to teach children the true meaning of it. Then I found her silently working outside the garden of the building. Mook’s sculpture of the two women sharing a passionate kiss grabbed the attention of many audiences but not one went near her for the work displays nudity.

Many finds her shameless and rebellious.

I found her dauntless and free.

And it didn’t take long for the art community to acknowledge her works to be revolutionary. Her instagram depicts a strong and stabled woman. She is confident. She is brave. And she doesn’t back down from a fight. She’s an example of an elegant and flawless lady.

Until you get to know her.

“It calms me down.” I raised the book in my hand. “And you should calm down, too. It’s ten minutes before go time and you’re sweating like a maniac!” I searched for the tissue roll in my bag and gave it to her. She started wiping her neck, armpits, and cleavage. “Why do you always feel nervous about these things? Your works are literally up every auction! You have your own gallery!”

“Ha! Let me remind you, Gun. I have my own insecurities! Keep up, jerk!” then she threw a used tissue at me that I had to whine in disgust.

“You gross creature! Egh!” I threw it in the bin near us.

The funny part of our meeting is that she’s from the same university as me and we actually have been paired for an art project in a class we simultaneously took.

The weird story doesn’t stop there. Oh no.

We were on the same non-art affiliated org, but we never communicate that much. Years later, we encountered each other again. I know. It’s like destiny has been pushing us to be together. And we didn’t fight back.

But unfortunately, I can’t remember her. And before she could let me explain, she started treating me with this kind of attitude that some of it was sprinkled on me. I swear. I’m an angel. Mook’s just a bad influence.

“What are you even reading?” she squinted her eyes to look at the title.

“The Cigarette’s Last Puff by Nicotine.” I put it down and helped her wipe the waters on her forehead. I don’t even know why she’s feeling hot. The building is airconditioned.

“Nicotine? That’s the name of the author?”

“That’s obviously their pen name, dumbassity.”

She reached for the book while I dived into her bag and took her eyeliner out.

“Romance? Since when are you reading romance? I didn’t even know you could read.” she spit like an insult.

“Shut up if you don’t want me to mess with your make up.” She obediently closed her eyes as I draw on her lids. She’s a great sculptress but a terrible sketch artist. That’s one of the ironic parts of her. That’s why it has been our regular practice that I draw her eyeliner in every event that we have together.

“I saw this book’s review on P’Tay’s blog. I thought I’d try reading it.”

“You read his blog? What a loyal Nong you are.” She smirked as I finished polishing it.

P’Tay is one of the seniors in our alma mater. His batch is two years older than us. He visited me when I was in the hospital. It was awkward at first but then I instantly liked him after he handed a box of ensaimadas filled with cheese toppings.

I handed the eyeliner back to her. “Yeah. I like P’.”

“Dude, you have a Jaylerr literally waiting for you outside.”

“I like him as a person! Why do you always have a dirty mind?” I chuckled and gently flicked her forehead.

“I was born with it!” she acted hurt. “Mm! That reminds me. Have you seen the GC? He’s inviting us to a party.”

“What party?” she finished using the roll of tissue and handed it to me. I hid it in my bag.

“I don’t know. Org reunion that he’ll arrange, maybe? I stopped reading after the word ‘party’ ‘cuz that’s all that matters, really.”

“When?” I asked as she fixed my tie, making sure my tuxedo isn’t wrinkled.

“This Saturday. You going?”

“I have no other appointments. I’ll go if you’ll go.” I shrugged.

“I’ll go if you’ll go!”

“You gonna go?”

“You gonna go?”

In our surprise, the door flew open and spit out P’Jennie with a flaring nose and threatening eyes. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! They’re waiting for you two! Both of you, go! Now!”

The gallery was full of people in cocktail dresses and tuxedos. I’m feeling very nervous now that I don’t have a book to distract me. I glanced at Mook as she explained the meaning of her two sculptures- two men from across the room just looking at each other but can’t really close the distance. The works were carefully placed from corner to corner of the gallery, just standing there, nothing special. But the eyes were so articulately detailed that it became realistic. I had goosebumps when she asked for my opinion. I nearly slapped her when she questioned if it was good enough to submit for this auction.

“Excuse me.” She said to the on lookers who were charmed by her beauty and even lingered their eyes on her as she walked past them and towards me.

‘Why? Is there a problem?”

“No, nothing. Everything is perfect.” She smiled elegantly and whispered. “Besides the fact that Queen Baifern is here and I’m freaking out.” She backed away like she didn’t just say that.

“Well, you’re doing great. Being a pretentious little moron.” I assured her. “Wait ‘til you see Mai Davika.”

“Mai Davika’s here?” she nearly gasped and lost her control.

“Yes. Mai Davika’s here. I just saw her.” P’Jennie came out of nowhere with a woman in a classy dress. “Ms. Cordial, this is Mook Worranit Thawornwong and Gun Atthaphan Phunsawat. Gun, Mook, this is Ms. Selene Cordial, one of the coordinators.”

“Pleasure to meet you.” She shook Mook’s hand and mine. “So, this is yours?” she pointed at the painting in front of us and looked at me.

“Yes.” I smiled shyly like an amateur.

Then I remembered, I am an amateur.

I fidgeted my hands behind my back because of uneasiness. This will be the first time someone would inspect my artwork professionally with me beside them. I got used to Mook’s and P’Jennie’s critiques, but I’ve never thought anxiety would come knocking on my door when I’m finally at this moment.

Now, I understand Mook.

“You know, when I first saw your painting in our selection, I was very much eager to meet you. I don’t know how to explain it but out of all the artworks chosen, yours has a very different vibe in it.”

My mind went completely blank. Is that a compliment? Is that an insult? What am I going to say?

“You mean like you’re falling in love?” a man and a woman came, their hands linked together.

“Yes. It’s very light and the colors blended together just gives me the feeling of affection.” More gathered in front of my painting- throwing their opinions and perspectives. And all I could think here was shit shit shit shit.

Then a hand suddenly touched my back lightly down to my fingers playing with each other. Mook leaned on to me and whispered. “You said earlier that I should calm down but you’re the nervous one now. Hypocrite. Bring your hands to your side and stop twitching like a constipated jerk. Take a deep breath and make sure you don’t stutter.” She then proceeded to talk louder, making her presence known. “When you’re in love, you would look at your lover and realized that the small details really do matter. Is that what you’re trying to send to your audiences, Mr. Phunsawat?”

Mook. You. Dumb. Bitch.

“Uhmm.” I tried clearing my throat while finding the right words. I am grateful for the attention my works been getting but I didn’t realize that I would be this panicky.

God, send help.

“Mr. Phunsawat’s paintings are always the one to look forward to.” A man in a neat tuxedo joined the conversation that made everyone turned their heads. My eyes widened in surprise as I looked at Jaylerr, grinning attractively. “He works with emotions that other artists are having a difficulty of doing.”

“I agree! As a fellow artist, I’m always overwhelmed with the things that I want to portray in my works. That’s why I’m having a hard time showing the audiences my sentiments, yet Mr. Phunsawat makes it seems so easy.” P’Jennie smiled and nodded reassuringly.

I stared at her, Mook, and Jaylerr and realized, why would I be afraid of making a mistake when I can always count on them to guide me?

These people.

I brought my hands down to my sides and took a deep breath.

Okay.

“Yes. My artworks are very personal to me. I guess I’m an amateur in that way.”

“But I think that’s what makes them special.” Jaylerr stated that made me smile.

“The message this painting conveys with the audiences are really up to them. You may see a fluffy blending of colors that portrays young love while others can see sadness as they look at it.” I stated while glancing at my work.

“Who would see sadness in it?” Ms. Cordial asked.

Me.

“You did well earlier.” Jaylerr uttered while giving me a glass of champagne.

“Jaylerr, what are you doing here?” I reached for it and stared at the sculpture of Mook. I’ve been trying to find that woman for hours now, but my suspicion is she’s stalking Mai Davika and Baifern here somewhere in the gallery.

“Supporting my future boyfriend. He did well earlier.” he grinned so wide that my lips automatically formed into an upward parabola when he moved his eyebrows up and down.

“You really don’t have to be here, Jaylerr. I thought you’re needed at the hospital?”

“They let me take a break. And I do have to be here, baby. After all, I heard I’m the model of your painting.”

I stopped sipping when I saw how giddy he was. “Shouldn’t I have a commission, too?” he even squinted his eyes, as if making them more narrowed.

I turned my sight at a painting not far away from us- anything other than him.

This is the reason why I can’t tell him that I’m starting to regain my recent memories even if he’s my doctor. What am I going to say? _I’m sorry, Jaylerr but I’m remembering someone with the same features and details as you, but my gut tells me that it’s not you?_

But what if it’s really him?

But what if he’s not?

There must be a hell of a storm in my mind for all these overthinking.

“Calm down, Gun.” He spoke when I didn’t express a single word for a minute. “I’m actually thinking of buying your masterpiece to help with the donations. But I don’t remember having a picture like that. Do you have your reference photo? Or my eyes just happened to be embedded in your brain?” he chuckled and stared at me, waiting for an answer but all I could do was look at him. I’m trying to find the right words to say. Minutes have passed and I still couldn’t so I kept my mouth shut.

Then I saw how his excited reaction slowly became unsure. His eyebrows lined up together. There was no sound coming from the both of us until a woman appeared beside him.

“Hi! Are you Mr. Phunsawat?”

“Oh. Yes. I am.” I snapped out and tried to pay attention to her.

“Someone just bade over a million baht for _The Narrow-Eyed Lad_.”

My eyes uncontrollably blinked and I completely forgot what I was sad about. What?! 1 MILLION?!

“1 Million?” I breathily said.

“Yes.” She happily nodded with me and looked at the iPad she was holding. “It’s the current highest bid in the auction.”

“Oh my god. That’s incredible!”

“Gun Gun Gun!” P’Jennie speed walk her way to me out of nowhere. “Have you heard the price for your painting?” I can tell she’s trying not to squeal again but her face says it all.

“Yes! I can’t believe it. Someone bought something that I made. Me! For 1 million baht!” I shouted in whispers and hugged P’Jennie. “Miss, may I know the name of the buyer so that I can personally thank them?”

“Of course! She’s Ms. Mild Lapassalan Jiravechsoontornkul. She just got out of the building, actually.”

“Thank you so much!” I glanced at Jaylerr and Jennie, and quickly ran as fast as I could. I got the attention of the many. A guy in a tuxedo sprinting like in a marathon. Mook’s going to whack me if she knows I’m showing too much emotion right now and not even minding my image in public, but I am too happy to even care!

As soon as I stepped out of the building, I looked around just to find a lady in black waiting at the sidewalk. She’s the only one in a cocktail dress so I immediately ran up to her.

“Ms. Mild Lapassalan?” Through my ragged breaths, I managed to call her. Later did I notice that her phone was actually against her ear.

That was so rude, Gun.

“Oh! I didn’t realize. I’m sorry!” I clasped my hands together and covered my mouth.

“No! No! It’s okay! How may I help you?”

“Uhmm.” I fidgeted hands while clutching my chest. I swear, if my asthma attacked me right now, it’ll be worth it. I feel so appreciated at this moment. “I am Gun Atthaphan Phunsawat. The painter of the artwork you bought. I just want to say thank you so much. You don’t know how much this means to me. Thank you so much.” I shook her hand as her eyes sparkled in delight and her lips formed into a genuine smile.

“God, you’re cute. I hope that I was the one who really bought it!” she chuckled.

Huh?

“I’m an errand girl for my client. I am just his publisher and I don’t know why I’m even doing this for him!” she yelled at her phone that my face almost screamed in confusion. “This is him, actually.” Her voice turned sweet-tempered again. “Do you want to talk to him?” she handed her phone to me.

“Oh. Okay! Thank you!” I reached for it and put it beside my ear. “Hello? Sir? I’m Gun Atthaphan Phunsawat, the artist of the painting you bought. I just want to express my gratitude.” I think there was hanger inside my mouth ‘cuz I literally couldn’t stop smiling. “The money would help a lot for the donations and uhmm…”

Seriously. I couldn’t find the words to vent how I’m feeling right now.

“Just… thank you. Ma-May I ask your name, Sir?” I said between breaths.

I do feel like I’m getting an asthma attack. I softly massaged my chest because I can feel my heart pounding so hard and loud. Calm down!

He didn’t respond for minutes. I thought the call has already ended but it’s still on. I patiently waited as I bit my lower lip.

“Sir?”

The other line cleared his throat. With just that, I instantly felt the excitement again.

But then he spoke with his baritone and enticing voice.

“I… I can’t tell you my name.”

The enthusiasm I felt slowly faded. Am I being unpleasant for asking his personal information? I didn’t think of it that way. I guess I got too thrilled that it hasn’t even occurred to me that maybe, he just didn’t want to be exposed that’s why he has his errand girl.

I was about to apologize for being insensitive, but he broke the silence again. “But you can call me Nicotine.”


	4. Chapter 4

“But you can call me Nicotine.”

Who wouldn’t hyperventilate when your favorite author just bought your artwork?

Or maybe, that was just an asthma attack.

My brain malfunctioned for seconds until I bombarded him with “Nicotine? As in Nicotine the writer?! I’m reading your book now! I’m such a fan!”

I literally experienced being a fanboy on the streets. I don’t even remember him saying much afterwards. Too bad, Ms. Mild’s service came and so, I had to give the phone back. There was a wild thought in my head that maybe, I could get his number, but the rational side won. _No, Gun. No. Clown responsibly._

“Nong Bright, why are you crying?” I reached for the kid who’s currently wailing while covering his eyes. I knelt in front of him and rubbed his back.

“Win painted on me, P’!” he pointed at a boy, giggling in the corner of the room, trying to hide his face on a canvas but his body was still visible. I nearly laughed. Who the hell taught kids that no one could see them if they just covered their faces?

“Win!” I called him.

“I did not!” he snickered in a high-pitched tone.

“Then what is this? What is this?!” Bright pointed his face angrily. His nose is covered with black ink. I need to glide my tongue on my cheek to stop myself from laughing. I swear, these kids are the ones completing my week.

Our gallery is holding a workshop every Saturday where kids get to paint half a day to discover their artistic side. It’s mostly free style paintings but I get to grade them with stars. The parents leave their children here, so my job is kind of like babysitting a dozen of kids.

“P’! Win painted on Bright’s canvas last week, too!” Film yelled and stuck her tongue out at him.

“I did not!”

Yeah. I have a naughty student.

“Bright.” I gently massaged his back and whispered. “I’m allowing you to paint on his face.” I smiled as I gave him the paintbrush. “Make sure the ink doesn’t stain his clothes, okay?” He nodded and smirked as he sprinted towards his enemy. Win chuckled and they ran around the room.

“What kind of teacher are you?” Mook’s voice echoed through the walls of the room. I turned and saw her leaning by the door. She waved elegantly with her fingers.

“Oh, that’s why I’m smelling a bitch.” I taunted while walking towards her. Of course, I just mouthed the last word. 

“You could’ve taught that kid to say sorry or be the bigger man and let it slide.” she said and brought out a handkerchief from her pocket. I was going to reach for it, but she dodged it away from my hands when she saw different colors of inks on it. I faced her as she began to wipe my beads of sweat.

“I don’t like commanding my kids to apologize. It has to be because they wanted to. Not because I ordered them. Do you want a half-apology? I don’t. And besides,” I looked at all the children running around, painting on each other. Bright is now laughing while pinning Win down on the floor and drawing on his face. “no six years old wants to be a bigger man.”

“You sound like an adult when you look just like one of them with your height. How do you manage that?”

I swear to God.

“One day, I’m gonna make sure I kill you with my bare hands.” I even threatened to give her a full clown make up with my inked hands. “Are you just here to annoy me?”

“No. P’Tay’s party, remember?”

“What time is the party?”

“Uhmm. 8?”

“It’s quarter to 5 in the afternoon, Mook.”

“And I got nothing to do. What’s your point, Atthaphan?”

I snorted as she gave me a soft punch.

My life’s not that traumatic. I haven’t gotten my memory on the day of the incident, but all my friends volunteered to drive me whenever I go. Or even if they can’t, they would always call me a cab. Of course, I am thankful but they’re baby-ing me so much, I feel like a burden.

Not to Mook, no. I’m not even feeling guilty of her being my chauffeur.

“You’ve got nothing to do, right?”

“Yeah?”

“Help me clean my kids.” I grinned as she whined.

Mook doesn’t really like children. She’s always open about her lack of plan of having one someday. Of course, many would say “You’re insane!” but she doesn’t really mind that. According to her, every woman has the right to choose what to do with her body. As long as she’s being careful, she won’t change that plan.

“Yeah, one hook up, we had no condoms, he just did what he had to do with my legs closed while massaging my vag-“

“Too much information!”, and I would tackle and cover her mouth.

Yeah, I admit I’m learning new things from her but I’m not sure it’s a good thing. It’s all about how you can’t have sex or even kiss someone who you don’t have feelings for, or you can’t bring your phone inside the club because it means that you’ll never see it again, or how you can’t drink in an empty stomach. So, we grabbed tacos and siomai from the streets, and sat on a bench overlooking the lake.

“I’ve always thought that if you drink on a full stomach, you’ll have a higher chance to get drunk and puke your guts out.” I said and chewed the siomai.

“If you drink in an empty stomach, the alcohol will pass immediately into the small intestine, and it quickly absorbs into your bloodstream whereas if you have eaten before drinking, it’ll slow down the process. And trust me, it’s better to vomit with a full stomach than literally puking your guts out.”

See? Knowledgeable. But then she added, “What a weakling. Everyone in the art community idolizes you now yet you don’t know any of these things.”

“What’s got to do with that! I’m not an expert in Alcoholism 101!” I warned her with my toothpick. “And I don’t really know why I’m famous now. My artwork’s been in one exhibit. It’s just one painting.”

“Your debut artwork is very important. Remember the two naked girls I sculpted years ago?” I nodded while drinking a bottle of water. “That’s mine. And ‘The Narrow-Eyed Lad’ is yours.”

“The painting Nicotine bought.” I giggled at the thought. I’m still getting butterflies in my stomach whenever I think about it.

“Yeah, yeah. It’s a small world after all.” She said nonchalantly. Of course, it’s not a big deal for her. She doesn’t really read his books. And it’s not like I can just boast it to anyone. I still respect his privacy. It’s enough that I know I’m winning in life.

Oh, except that I have an amnesia and still can’t remember most of my past memories.

You really can’t have it all, can you?

Minutes have passed and the surrounding was getting darker every second. The sky filled with blue and pink became indigo. We enjoyed the silence of the ambiance as we finished eating our foods.

“Mook.” I broke the stillness. “I’m actually quite nervous.”

“About what?”

“I haven’t gotten all of my memories back. I won’t know anyone at the party.” This is actually one of my fears. What if I offend someone because I can’t remember their names? I don’t want to always get away because of my amnesia card. Not to mention, it’s kind of tiring to explain the accident.

They will just pity me and all that crap.

“The more reason why you need to do this. To remember. We don’t know, it might trigger something. And besides,” she paused and softened her voice. “I’ll be there.”

“What?” I chuckled. “You’ll be there? Awwe!”

“Shut up. I didn’t say anything.” She started punching me and covering her face.

“You’ll be there for me through it all?”

“Fuck off, Atthaphan!”

We laughed together like crackbrains- people might actually think that we’re flirting.

“You promise, mommy?” I mocked her with my cutesy voice.

“No, I’ll give you back to your boyfriend later.”

My smile faded away in an instant.

She’s my closest friend but I still haven’t told her about my confusion with Jaylerr and the man in my memories. I couldn’t tell anyone. My friends know, my parents know, and they kind of already expected something from Jaylerr and me. It’s hard because I feel like I’m letting them down. For those two years, everyone was saying how lucky I am to be with him, but I can’t feel anything other than us being friends.

I’m to blame.

“Jaylerr’s not coming.”

“He’s not?”

“Yes. He texted me earlier. He’s got surgery for tonight.”

“So, I really do have to take care of you?” Mook wailed. “I swear one day, I’ll walk you down the aisle and say to your groom _‘Don’t ever let him come back to me.’_ ”

“Oh, no, miss. I’ll be forever your responsibility until the day I die.”

“I said I don’t want any kids!”

“Well, you got one. Suck it up, bitch.”

That’s what she did. She’s drinking while waving her hands at people greeting her- casually mentioning their names in front of me so that I would know.

“Oh my god! Gun Atthaphan! You’re as small as the day we graduated!” the guy named Gunsmile ruffled my hair. Mook cackled so loud, her voice boomed with the thunderous noise from the stereo.

“Hey! Gun is here! My namesake’s here!” he yelled, and everyone turned their eyes directly at me. Why they can hear his voice through the loud music? I will never know.

“Gun!” many hugged and danced with me as they asked me how I’ve been. It made me think that maybe, I was a social butterfly when I was in college. I started feeling the groove of the music and occasionally screams whenever the DJ drops the beat.

“How are things between you and Jaylerr? Are you guys married yet?” a girl called Neen probed.

“No. Uhmm. We’re taking our time!” I feel like I’m in the showbiz industry with all my replies.

“You two were so cute together! I remember you including a hint of him in all of your plates!” I didn’t catch the name of the other one who yelled that. I was about to ask Mook but when I turned around, she was nowhere to be found! Where is that hell of a woman?!

“I’m sorry, I have to find Mook.” I excused myself.

“She’s right there with P’Tay!” Neen pointed at the right side of the room and there they were.

“Thank you! I’ll be right back!”

I immediately made my way through the sea of people just to get to Mook and P’Tay. I’m surprised how they could have a conversation in the middle of the dancefloor.

“You invited him?” P’Tay asked Mook. He’s wearing a tank top and a khaki shorts, a very beach-like outfit.

“Yes! I did! Maybe he just didn’t attend, P’Tay.”

“I planned this party just so I could meet him. Why won’t he attend?”

“He’s a lone wolf since college! And I thought this was supposed to be a reunion?”

“This was supposed to be an excuse.” I heard Tay sighed. Mook’s lips automatically turned into a smile when she spotted me.

“You having fun?” she wrapped her arms around me. Tay gave me a high five.

“Yeah! I didn’t know I was friendly in college!” I laughed boomingly.

“Aren’t your memories back?” Tay asked as the music decreased its volume.

“Not all.” I shook my head. He smirked and looked past me. I was about to glance where he was gazing at when water suddenly sprinkled. The next thing I knew, something popped, and foam started raining- filling the whole venue.

“What the fuck?” I cursed as I looked around me, people cheered and the DJ played a new song, louder and more erotic this time.

“What? You didn’t see? It’s going to be a foam party! Don’t you have a change of clothes? I emphasized the reminder!” Tay danced with the music and laughed. I threw a certain stare at Mook and she just looked at me wide eyes.

“Hehe.” She said with a guilty expression. “PARTEEEEEHHH!!!” everybody shouted with her as she took our hands. I got no choice but to sway with the rhythm with the feeling of being wet.

_“So hot_ _  
Out the box  
Can we pick up the pace?  
Turn it up,  
Heat it up  
I need to be entertained  
Push the limit  
Are you with it?  
Baby, don't be afraid  
I'm a hurt 'ya real good, baby.”_

“Yeah! Gun! Looking sexy with that wet look!” Mook pressed my chest. I never noticed how thin my button-down shirt was until I looked down and could clearly saw my pecs. Not to mention, its color is white. I just had to wear this today, huh?

Tay wrapped his hands around my neck as the three of us swayed. I grinded at the beat of the music and felt his body on my back. Mook found a girl who’s dancing in front of her so she just shrugged and waved her hips.

_“Oh, I bet you thought that I was soft and sweet_  
_You thought an angel swept you off your feet_  
_Well I'm about to turn up the heat.”_

“I’M HERE FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT!” we all yelled except for Tay who whispered behind me.

“Oh shit.”

He quickly removed his hands on me as I glanced at him in confusion. He was staring at the second floor of the venue. When I turned to peek, I saw a man with his intense gaze directly towards us. I rubbed my eyes and could've sworn I took a glimpse of Jaylerr through the dancing lights but before I got a good look, he spun his back on us and walked away.

“Jaylerr?” my brows automatically furrowing.

Why is he here? I thought he has to do a surgery?

“Oh shit. Oh shit shit shit.” I heard P’Tay continuously said as I ran towards Jaylerr, not even taking my eyes off of him for a millisecond. He got down the second floor- rushing, when another man tried to stop him.

“Gun. Gun. No no no.” Tay was following me from behind, but I didn’t listen. My heart was thumping so loud against the boisterous music and my tipsiness faded away in just a snap. Too many questions flooded my mind as I closed the distance between us.

“Jaylerr!” I sprinted as fast as I could and when I finally caught his hand, the man then turned to me with wide eyes.

It wasn’t Jaylerr.

Pulsing in my head began slamming painfully. Flashing images tried to enter my memory lane.

The man with the narrow eyes, pointy nose, and sultry lips. The man with the detailed features but never his whole face.

The man that I've been dreaming for years now.

Is finally in front of me.

“No! Ha!” I heard P’Tay beside me spoke, but I can’t give him my full attention. The man’s stare pierced its way through me. The tension was so heavy that I released his hand from my grasp. An unexplainable feeling of releasing something more than just his hand enveloped within me.

“Shit! Okay! Gun, you may not remember him, but this is Arm.” Tay pointed at the guy behind him.

“And uhmm… this is Off.”

Off?

_“P’Off.”_

_“P’Off!”_ I heard my own voice called for him.

“P’Off.” I whispered. Maybe it was just my hallucination or the alcohol in my system, but it seems like my mouth was familiar with that name. “P’Off.” I repeatedly muttered, trying to remember something.

Anything.

“Yes. Off Jumpol. You may have heard his name. He’s Jaylerr’s brother.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Used:
> 
> "For Your Entertainment" by Adam Lambert.


	5. Chapter 5

“Where are we going?”

“I’m sorry. I just have to see my brother. Then we’ll go talk about our reporting.” Jaylerr’s brows furrowed. “Why? Are you tired? Are you losing your breath?” he stopped at the top of the staircase and grabbed my wrist. “I told you, you can wait for me downstairs.”

“Calm down. I just asked you where we’re going.” I chuckled. He thinks that I didn’t notice how slow his pace was earlier so that I can keep up. And he’s worried that I might be tired? “But rooftop? Your brother’s here at the rooftop?”

“Yeah.”

Unusual. How can someone be at the rooftop on a sunny afternoon?

But as soon as Jaylerr opened the door, the strong smell of cigarette smoke immediately answered my own question. A man was hiding on the shade of the roof, leaning against the wall. Disheveled hair and bangs obscuring his face. He turned to us and his frowned face became even more dreadful. Like he’s not pleased with our arrival on his palace.

“Off.” Jaylerr called the guy but he just looked at him with indifference. “Dad wants us to go to his client’s meeting this noon. He said that the whole family should be there.”

Jaylerr paused for a minute but the man named Off didn’t say anything.

“Are you going?”

For two months that I’ve been friends with Jaylerr, he’s always been smiling- a social butterfly, the center of attention. He’s fun to be with. You’ll never see him with a creased forehead.

And I certainly haven’t seen him this annoyed.

The man smirked as he slowly raised his cigarette in front of his mouth and let out a puff. The fume quickly enveloped my nose that I started coughing. I wrapped my mouth with my hand as I got the attention of the two.

“Jaylerr, I’ll wait for you downstairs.” I covered my nose and didn’t bother to glance at the guy. I’m aware that he is in fact our senior and that I should at least pay my respects before leaving.

But I don’t think he deserves it.

Our group of friends once tried asking Jaylerr about his relationship with his brother and why they’re acting like strangers. He might have answered with “We’re cool. That’s just what brothers do.” but I’m the one who’s always near him. I should know. I know.

They are not “cool”.

I’ve never directly asked him because I don’t want to seem like I’m invading his privacy but the palpable tension in the air every time they’re about to cross paths, in the hallway or in the cafeteria, was just too powerful to ignore. I think there’s an unspoken rule between them that one must not meet with the other’s eyes.

“Jerk.” Jaylerr once muttered after we got passed him.

And trust me. If someone like Jaylerr hated your guts, you have got some serious personality problem.

That’s why I don’t want to meet his older brother.

And that’s why I was less than ecstatic when Jaylerr offered to make the by pair presentation at their house.

It was a huge home. The overall modern architecture was elegant. They have a pool, pool table, and humungous living room. I think their bathroom is even bigger than my whole apartment.

But the vibe of this household is freezing cold.

Their mom passed away when Jaylerr was a freshman. It was just him, his father, and Off. Mr. Adulkittiporn is barely home because of their business. And well, the brother…

“Have you watched William Simon’s seminar?” Jaylerr smiled as I saw Off marching languidly towards a cabinet in their sala. They’re not even looking at each other but the tension is increasing. And I’m in the middle of it! According to my Psychology class, siblings with much little age gap has a closer relationship. Off is older than Jaylerr with about two years.

I guess not all.

Off is wearing earphones as if saying _“Do not talk to me.”_ I squinted my eyes in annoyance of just looking at him.

“Gun?”

“Hmm? Oh!” I snapped out. “I’m on it.” I brought my phone out and searched for my earphones in my bag.

“Great. I’ll start making the power point.” He beamed while placing his laptop on the coffee table.

“Hey, Jaylerr. Can I borrow your earphones?” I asked after scuffling and found nothing.

“Sure.” He gave me his wireless earphones and I turned on the Bluetooth on my phone.

_“Connected.”_

I was just about to play the video when a notification from Gunsmile popped up on my screen.

_‘Watch this.’_ He messaged me along with the video of a black thumbnail. I played it but I can’t hear any sounds. I checked the video, and its duration was 25:00 seconds. My eyebrows automatically furrowed. I turned the volume up to its max and was surprised when Off suddenly shouted deafeningly. “WHAT THE FUCK!”

Jaylerr and I both looked at him with doubt, but his stare certainly was towards me. His earphones are now on his hands and a disgusted gaze was thrown at me.

Four big steps and he was now standing in front of us. He clicked something on his phone and my eyes widened when we heard a woman loudly moaning came out from nowhere!

I glanced at my phone- unsure. Then to Off. Then to Jaylerr. Then to my phone that is now vibrating, synchronized with the erotic sound echoing through the walls of their living room.

WHAT THE FUCK!

“No no no no no no.” I continuously said, as if it’s going to explain my side of things but I freaked out and can’t really find the words to say except “No.”

“Can I have my earphones back?” Off cut me in the middle of my panic attack and held out his hand. I gulped and took them both off my ear and just gave it to him obediently. No questions asked. He unpleasantly put the earphones he was using earlier on top of the coffee table then turned to Jaylerr. “Next time, do not take what’s mine.”

Then he stormed out of the scene, leaving us dumbfoundedly.

“I’M GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU SICK MOTHERFUCKER.” I yelled at Gunsmile and made him a punching bag as he laughed and laughed while dodging my attacks.

“Where? Where did you open it? Where?”

“In the living room of somebody else’s house!” his amusement was all over his face that I started hitting him harder.

“Mike, too! He played it on the bus with no earphones!” he cackled so loud. “It’s not my fault you two didn’t wear earphones!”

That’s the problem.

I did.

But I don’t get what’s the big deal of the fight between those siblings. So, what if Jaylerr accidentally exchanged his from Off’s? The devices were exactly identical in appearance! Anyone could make that mistake! And how certain is he that he’s not the one who took the wrong ones?

I heard he’s top 1 in Business Administration. He’s supposed to be logical and smart. There’s nothing logical and smart about this.

Now, I know why Jaylerr hated his guts.

“Two Guns!” we both looked at White’s direction. He was holding a paper with the _‘Astronomiya’_ logo in the front. “Have you finished all their signatures?”

We’re currently finding all the members of the club to sign our sheets just so we could introduce ourselves to them. Kind of like a clearance at the end of the semester, including the part where they get to tell us what to do before they sign their names. Except I’m a freshman and I thought joining a club would be a step to adjust in the college life.

“Almost. I just have to take P’Tay’s. Do you know where he is?” Gunsmile asked.

“He’s at the cafeteria with P’Arm. But I have to warn you. He’ll make you dance to _Boombayah_.”

“That’s fine! I know all the steps!” he patted me on the back and yelled “BOOMBAYAH.” With the matching dance and walked away, waving at us.

“You?” White looked at me.

“I’m not really sure. Can I see yours?”

He laid out his sheet and compared it to mine. “You have 25 signatures already. What your missing is… Ah! Adulkittiporn.”

Jaylerr Adulkittiporn?

“Jaylerr? I didn’t know he was in the Astronomy club.”

“Not him. That guy has too many clubs already. The other Adulkittiporn.”

What?

“Off Adulkittiporn?”

“Yeah. It should be easy for you. It’s your friend’s older brother.”

No!

“No.” I muttered in silence.

“Plus, he didn’t really make me do anything. He just straight up signed mine. He’s cool.” He continued talking while my anxiety’s coming back to me like a wildfire slowly spreading out in the forest of my thoughts.

“No.”

“I don’t know where he is now. He left the cafeteria minutes ag- Gun, are you okay?” he waved his hand in front of my face, but I was gone.

Oh, I’m gonna kill Gunsmile.

“Shit shit shit shit.” I mumbled as I walked up the stairs to the rooftop. I stopped immediately and closed my eyes.

Maybe, I’m overreacting. Maybe, he really is a cool person. Why would I be scared? I’m not really watching porn in the middle of the day. Someone just sent it to me.

Do I need to explain myself to him? Why should I? What if I’m really watching porn? It’s not like he’s a saint!

But that was still embarrassing, nonetheless.

Calm the fuck down, Gun. Maybe, he doesn’t even remember.

BUT THAT WAS JUST THREE DAYS AGO.

“Stop.” I said to myself and shook my head just so I could take a break from my overthinking. I opened the door and was expecting inhaling cigarette smoke when the only scent I smelled was the fresh air of October- crisp, cold, damp, and earthy. It was the usual aroma of autumn.

I looked around and saw Off on the edge of the railings- eyeing me with a blank face. I walked towards him and smiled.

“Hi, P’Off. I’m Gun Atthaphan Phunsawat. I’m joining the astronomy club.” I formally stated. He stared at me and I can’t help but gaze back as the wind blew on the rooftop of the tallest building of our university. His eyes remind me of Jaylerr. Narrow-eyed and pointy. But Jaylerr’s vibe was more friendly, pleasant, and cheerful.

Off was the complete opposite.

“Can you sign my sheet?” I held the paper in front of him and waited for his response. Luckily, he took it from my hand and opened the pen cap. I thought this was going to be light and breezy as White suggested earlier but then he slowly smirked. Goosebumps crawled onto my skin like ants.

“Ahh. You’re that horny guy.” He pointed me with the pen.

What.

“No. I prefer the term Jaylerr’s friend.” I smiled awkwardly.

“I still haven’t received any apology from you. You blew up my ear with your… porn.”

“Well, I haven’t got the chance to say sorry back then.”

“And now?”

I looked at him for seconds then mumbled. “I’m sorry.”

He nodded. “Very well. Just a tip. Don’t use Bluetooth earphones when watching pornography. Especially, when you’re in someone else’s house. Or is that what you and Jaylerr are working on that time?” He grinned arrogantly, I want to tear his face away from his skin!

“No! My friend sent-“

“Yeah, I don’t really have to know the details.” He chuckled like a demon in disguised. For a perfect weather, he seems to know the ways of annoying someone. “A! Initiation before I sign this sheet.” He waved the paper and looked up to the sky, as if in deep thoughts. I thought he doesn’t do initiations? Do I have to dance for him? Alone?! Here? Only the two of us?

“I know.” He stared at me diabolically. “Moan for me.”

My eyes widened in surprise. “Excuse me, what?”

“Moan for me. Like the wanton woman in your video. Then I’ll sign your paper. And you can join the club,” he looked at the sheet and read my name. “Gun Atthaphan Phunsawat.”

“Are you insane?”

“Amuse me. I’m bored. And you want to get my signature, right? Moan.”

“No! I’d rather die than moan for you! Jaylerr’s right. You’re a massive jerk!” my heart was pounding so loud against my chest. And even more so when his grinned became grimmer and darker. The orbs in his eyes were pitch black. He took one step closer to me and I immediately backed away. I’m not programmed to fight!

“At least, I’m not a virgin. You’ve got no experience at all. Is that why you’re watching that?” he walked closer again, as if intimidating me with his height- literally looking down on me.

“Leave me alone, you son of a bitch! I don’t need to explain anything to you!” I snatched the paper and pen from his hand and swatted it away.

“If you want, I can teach you. You know. Practice when you and Jaylerr actually do it.” He smirked. He was just two inches away from me now. I can smell the cigarette on his breath. I pushed him as hard as I could and coughed. I ran quickly and swore never to see his face again.

But God has a different plan for me.

“You’re in!” White looked at the bulletin board.

“What are you talking about? I didn’t get to complete the signatures.”

“Look!” He flicked the paper with the Astronomiya logo on it.

_‘Welcome New Members!_

_We’ll be doing the Junior-Senior system! The names of the seniors beside yours will guide you and will be your buddy in the club!_

_Neen Suwanamas Alice Tsoi_

_White Nawat Phumphothingam Earth Pirapat Watthanasetsiri_

_New Thitipoom Techaapaikhun Tay Tawan Vihokratana_

_Mook Worranit Thawornwong Arm Weerayut Chansook_

_Gunsmile Chanagun Arpornsutinan Mek Jirakit Thawornwong_

_Khaotung Thanawat Rattanakitpais Mike Chinnarat Siriphongchawalit_

_Gun Atthaphan Phunsawat’_

My mind stopped working.

Shit.

Oh no.

Shit.

“I heard we get to do a lot of fieldtrips in here. That’s why I joined.” I heard White behind me.

“Yeah! Stress reliever from all the acads. Who’s your senior buddy?” Gunsmile asked.

“Thank God, it’s P’Earth. He’s really chill. You?”

“P’Mek.”

“Oh, that’s nice. He doesn’t really go to school that much. Less work.”

“Why? Do you think this system will be like ‘Get me coffee at three in the morning’ kind of stuff?”

“Nahh. Nothing like that I guess.”

I turned around and muttered the words “I quit. I’m quitting.”

“What? Why? It hasn’t even started yet!” White yelled.

“I am quitting.” I whispered.

“Why? Come on! I don’t want to be the only Fine Arts student there!” he whined. “What’s the problem? You don’t like the senior assigned to you?”

“Who is it?” In a second, Gunsmile was in front of the bulletin board, finding my name with his index finger.

As if on cue, I saw Tay and Arm walking and laughing- on the way to the cafeteria. Behind them was none other than that guy who I loathe ‘til the depths of the earth.

“Gun Atthaphan Phunsawat…” he read.

And continued.

“Off Jumpol Adulkittiporn.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Used:
> 
> "Boombayah" by Blackpink.


	6. Chapter 6

“You never told me you had a brother.” I played with the shrimp in my plate. The fork continuously stabbed it for the past five minutes. My eyes averted to Jaylerr as he halted eating the roasted chicken he ordered.

“My brother?” He asked and settled his utensils down. He drank a glass of water and wiped his mouth with a cloth.

“Yeah. I met him at P’Tay’s party the other day.”

“Oh. Did he say anything?”

He did not. Except for his little “Excuse me.” accompanied by a bow. Or more like he was hiding his face from me. While I was looking at him, the memories came like a hidden fuel and I want to know more. I ran out ‘til the parking lot to follow him but a car was already driving away.

“No. But why am I only hearing this now? You never mentioned him.” I stated.

“The last time I remember, you were mad at him. And stress isn’t good for you. I don’t want to introduce stress in the form of my brother.” He smiled.

“Why am I mad at him?”

He paused for a second and shrugged.

“I don’t know. You never told me. Do you somehow remember him?”

Even I don’t want to relive that moment by telling Jaylerr that his brother is a complete asshole and can just fuck off. So, I answered with “No.” while shaking my head and averting my eyes to the drapes of this restaurant. Years have passed and I’m still embarrassed by that earphones incident. I haven’t remembered if I did explain it to Jaylerr! “No, I don’t. But I’m trying. What else don’t I know about you?”

“Hmm. Let’s see. I’m smart and fun and handsome.” He pouted as I chuckled.

“Seriously!”

“Fine! Okay okay.” He paused and gazed at my lips with a bittersweet smile. “My father is currently confined at the hospital I work to. He’s sick but he doesn’t want to undergo in a surgery until he talks with his oldest son.” His aura became sentimental and blue which is rare for a Jaylerr Adulkittiporn.

“What do you mean?” my eyebrows furrowed. “Off doesn’t visit him?”

“I’ve been trying to persuade him. But…” he shook his head and let that sentence hang.

“Why?” I whispered but I figured that it doesn’t matter what reason he has. He should be there. That’s his father!

“That man hurt a lot of people. Including us. This is why I don’t want to tell you. Or anyone.” He’s smiling but his sorrowful eyes tells it all. Oh, I should’ve punched that guy in the face years ago and not just merely pushed him!

“I’m sorry you had to go through this alone.” I intertwined our hands together and tightly held it.

They were right. The people who laugh the most are the ones really hurting. Jaylerr was always fun to be around. Hopping and waving. Little did I know, he’s going through a lot.

And that jerk didn’t make it easier.

“Baby.” He took a deep breath and focused on me. “Don’t push yourself too hard. Remembering your past is not that easy. It’ll take time but they will come. Okay?” He beamed and wiped something on the edge of my lips. “Stop stressing.”

How can I not be stressing? The man I thought was special turned out to be a grade A fuckery. I really thought those continuous flashbacks have something more to it but all this time, I may have been remembering him because of hatred!

I stared at all the paintings in the room and started taking down the sketches I pinned on the wall. The way I draw them lovingly infuriates the hell out of me! And to think I based my debut painting on him!

“Egh!” I cried disgustingly and threw the papers on the floor. The canvasses leaning against the wall were even harsher to look at. God. I can’t believe I even doubted Jaylerr for a moment because of this guy!

For hours, all I did was clean the four walls of the room and mentally cuss myself. I was so focused with destroying all my works of him that I jumped when my phone rang. I took it and put it beside my ear.

“Mook?” I sat on the floor and closed my eyes.

“I’m sorry. I just saw your text. Is there something wrong?” she said as I heard music in her background.

“What are you doing? Am I disturbing you?”

“No no. I’m just sculpting. I took a little break. What up?”

I sighed. “How do you… move on?” I shrugged and lied on the floor with all of the sketch sheets. My hand grabbed one and I stared at the drawing of his lips.

I know that Off and I really didn’t have that kind of relationship but the fact that I remembered him for two years! Two years! I thought that I’m in love with him or something! I put him on a pedestal that even Jaylerr can’t climb!

Ugh. I hate myself.

“Move on? Are you and Jaylerr fine?” she asked with gentleness in her voice. If I pointed it out, I’m sure she’ll hang up.

“Yes. We’re fine. Not me. It’s… uhmm… my friend.”

She gasped so loud. “You have friends other than me? Damn, dude. You sting!”

“Knock it off, Mook. I- uhh, my friend needs advice from someone who has a lot of experiences about these things.”

“I’m starting to think that your friend is weird. Why would they ask you? You literally had an amnesia and still a virg-“

“Mook!” I threatened her. “And how did you know that I’m still a virgin?” I remembered the memories that came back to me that night. And how Off said that like an insult.

“You told me?”

“How would I know? I had an amnesia! Why are you trusting me? I don’t even trust myself!”

“Oh. Right.” We cackled so loud over the phone as it dawned on her. I facepalmed myself for even having this conversation.

“Okay! This is what I normally do. I get a rebound guy and I focus myself on him. Anything that doesn’t make me alone because when I’m alone with my thoughts, my mind gets shitty. And I don’t like my brain functioning. It doesn’t feel right.”

“What happened to ‘Do not kiss a person you don’t have feelings for?’” I rolled my eyes and chuckled.

“Well, at least I’m attracted to them! Why else would I make them my rebound?”

“That’s a bad advice, Mook.”

“It is, isn’t it? How about this? I put all my attention to my hobbies. Or anything that could distract me from melting down.”

“So, you won’t really have time to process everything? You don’t do self-reflection?”

“Oh Gun. Honestly, I never liked having feelings. So, why the hell do I want to think about something that would hurt me more? Moving on is about telling yourself that you’re fine over and over again until one day, it doesn’t really hurt anymore.”

I was silent for a minute because of what she said. “Is that really the right way?”

“Most people do exactly that.” She paused for a second. “I don’t know if it’s the right way or there even is one. All I know is it works for a thousand years. It sure is going to work on you.”

“My friend!”

“Your friend.”

I pouted and crumpled the piece of paper I’ve been staring at the whole time even after the call ended. My phone buzzed and I saw Jaylerr’s name on my screen.

_‘I need to study tonight for my next operation. You take a rest. Don’t stress out too much, baby.’_

They’re right. I shouldn’t be like this- lying on a dirty floor, thinking about that worthless guy. He already discombobulated me for two years.

I think that’s enough.

_‘”Why do we continue to hold on to the past when we know in ourselves that the present and future are much more powerful?” I asked while feeling his fingers against my chest.”’_

I played with the bubbles in the tub languidly as I read the paragraph- careful not to accidentally let go of the book.

_‘“Damn. This 20 questions game is on a different level when we’re playing.” I felt his body vibrated as he chuckled._

_I slowly got on top of him and buried my face on his neck that made him giggled. His laugh was my favorite melody. The white sheets on our bed turned wrinkly and disheveled- just like his hair at 9 in the evening. I stopped moving and just enjoyed looking at him. “What can I say? I am competitive.”_

_He snorted and played with my lips. He shook his head as his hands started going up to my hair. “Because the past built us to be who we are in the present. We learn from our mistakes. We’ll remember our motivations as to what we’re aiming for the future. And other reasons.” He shrugged._

_“But what if the memories of the past will just hurt you?” I gazed at his sleepy yet radiant eyes._

_“That’s a follow up question! And that’s cheating!” He paused for a moment and pouted. He gave me a warm smile with his plump lips. "That’s part of life. You can’t do anything about it.”_

_We didn’t speak for seconds as we just stared at each other. The light from the lamp beside our bed is all we’ve got._

_“My turn to ask.” He looked upwards. “If reincarnation is real and we both had the opportunity to choose a scene from our memories to keep, what would you pick for me?”_

_“Hmm. That’s a hard one.”_

_“What can I say? I am competitive.” He shrugged with a smug face. “For me, I will make you remember the first time we slept together.”_

_“What?” I screeched so loud that I lost my balance and let my head fall beside his. “I thought we’re having a serious conversation!”_

_“I am serious! That way, you’ll remember how horny you were for me and you’ll try to find me in your new life!” He nodded as if proud of that thing he came up with. “Especially, that part where you asked me if I love you.”’_

_“Gun, do you love me?”_

I jolted and immediately stopped reading. Memories began flooding me but then faded away so quickly.

Gun, do you love me? What the hell was that?

I placed the book down beside the tub with a creased face- trying not to panic but gulping a lot. My ragged breathing was loud against the walls of the bathroom.

“Gun, do you love me?” I whispered. Trying to remember the images I had earlier.

_“Gun, do you love me?”_ a man said with tenderness in his voice. I want to believe that the memory was for Jaylerr and I.

But I can’t kid myself.

I hugged my knees and took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down because I know that freaking out will never be a solution to anything.

I closed my eyes and relaxed as I feel the loud pounding of my chest.

“Gun, do you love me?” I mumbled in silence as I saw the waves of the sea and the setting sun on the horizon. The rain was falling so hard that the sand of the beach became solid and brown.

“You’re still doubting if I love you?” I asked. “Will I stay for years if I didn’t?”

“I just wanted to make sure.” He crouched and gave my temple a kiss. We stayed silent for minutes as we enjoyed the whole scenery- listening to the raindrops.

“This is the second time we’re here in this cave.” Off whispered against my ear that tickled me.

I didn’t budge.

“When was the first time?” My lips automatically turned into an upward parabola. I leaned my back onto him as he hugged me from behind- my hands stopping his fingers from playing with my torso.

“It was our field trip, and we were assigned for each other. It was raining then, and it’s raining now.”

“You remember that? That was when I was just a freshman. Oh! Is that why you prepared the picnic here?” I looked at him from my right side.

His eyes are now visible because of his quiff hair, unlike the first time I saw him. I never really thought that that man will make me the happiest. Who could blame me? He was such a prick back then!

Now, I can’t imagine my life without this prick beside me.

“Do you like it?” He bit his lower lip. I think he noticed how I got completely distracted by that because he grinned wider. I averted my eyes to his chest.

Great, Gun. How many times do you have to embarrass yourself in front of this man?

“It’s f-fine.” I tried saying with a cool tone in attempt to save myself, but I failed miserably. I was about to turn my head so he can’t see how red it is but then he held me on my nape and devoured my lips. My hands holding on to the picnic cloth beside his thighs to support my weight as I answered his kisses.

His left hand is now doing wonders on my stomach. It was just being playful a while ago but when it reached my navel, I gasped. He knows my weaknesses. He knows my strengths. He knows where to touch my parts.

He knows me.

We halted for two seconds. Flushed cheeks. Red lips. Drunk eyes. Then he plunged another kiss and opened his mouth, wider this time- his tongue asking for permission to explore. And when I finally let him, I moaned as it twirled and flicked.

“Can I…” he said with our lips still attached to each other. “touch you?”

“You’re touching me now, P’.” I chuckled with my eyes, but he didn’t seem so amused at the moment.

“No.” Off stared at me deeply. I can’t look away even when the back of his finger was slightly touching the crotch of my pants. I gulped when I suddenly realized what he means. “Here.” He whispered.

The wind blew strongly as I felt him slowly fiddling his fingers. Unsure until he gets my permission but too tempting that he can’t really take them off near my bulge.

I gave him what he wanted with a single nod as he took his time to grasp my whole. The goosebumps I felt were marvelous and there are still clothes in the way. What more if I felt his skin on mine?

That question was shortly outlived when his large hands started crawling his way up and under my boxers. I cussed so loud when I nearly exploded from the anticipation. All we did for years are just making out and stopping because he wants to wait. I dreamt about this! My expression. His reaction. All that was going to happen! All that I planned on happening was thrown out of the window as soon as I felt him stroking it. The curiosity got the better of me as I looked down and saw the hump under my pants with his hand.

When he played with the gap, I nearly rolled my eyes and let my head fall on his shoulder. I arched my back as he sped up his pacing. My heart was pounding so loud with his. He kissed and sucked my neck as I grinded in harmony with what he’s doing to me- grinding a bulge beneath me that I’ve been feeling since the moment I leaned onto him.

“I’m-“ I held my breath to stop myself from groaning but the sound of an erotic guy echoed through the cave. “Aahh!” I couldn’t hear anything as the waves of thousands of pleasures came. It was a new feeling. It was deafening. “Aaahh.”

It was heavenly.

Dazed, I still forced myself to stare at his narrow eyes. The orbs were pitch black- full of devotion and adulterated lust.

“I wish we have a mirror so you could see how sexy you look right now.” He whispered against my ear while still quietly fondling me there.

“I don’t think I’d want that.” I smiled and caressed his thighs. His lips were parted, begging to be kissed by me. I pushed myself and closed the distance between our lips as my hand sneaked to find his member.

“Gun.” He warned me but I didn’t listen. I changed our position where I’m sitting on his lap, facing him and grinding- making sure mine was rubbing his. “You have your graduation tomorrow. I don’t want you limping on the stage.” He continued but his body was saying otherwise. His hand snaked around my waist and down to my ass.

“Then we should probably stop.” I stated but I can’t. I was delirious and sucking his lips feels like a dream come true. His usual arrogant vibe became submissive when I grabbed his hair to get access on his neck. I lapped and left marks and continued to dance with the rhythm of our clothed bodies. It was never enough. I want to feel him skin to skin.

I unbuckled his pants as he stared in awe. “We should stop.” He said with a hoarse voice but then pushed himself up so that I can free his cock. My cheeks blushed profusely as I see the top view of his.

“Yeah. We should.” Tipsy with the non-existent alcohol in our system, he helped unzipped mine and brought my pants down. My member sprung with leaks of the cum from earlier. My nervousness and excitement are at their peak as he casually touched it, glazing his fingers with my wetness, and giving his tongue a taste. It was the most sensual thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

I dived into another torrid kiss as he placed his dick between the cheeks of my butt- rubbing and teasing its hole but never entering. “Do you want me to stop?” He whispered- trying to hold on from that shredded rope of control but even I can feel it being torn apart into pieces. I don’t know why he has asked something so obvious considering I’m giving my all to him.

But Off requesting for my consent just lit up a fire that’s been concealed all along inside of me.

“No.” I said in a low voice and that was all it took for him to enter me.

“Gun, I love you.” He moaned quietly and piercingly that I, too, groaned with the bubbles becoming my lubricant as I continued to stroke mine. I bit my lower lip as I shoot out my cum with heavy breaths and dizzy sight.

“Fuck.” I muttered and stared at the ceiling of my bathroom- trying to process the memory of Off Jumpol.


	7. Chapter 7

“P’Off. Why are you here?” My eyes widened as I slowly got up. “You can’t be here. You’ll catch my-” I coughed before I could even complete my sentence. I tried to lick my trembling dry lips. My breathing was ragged, and my eyelids were heavy. The only light we’re relying on was from the moon until he zipped up the tent and crawled his way up to me.

“You haven’t eaten anything.” His hand was sneaking towards me- feeling my forehead and neck. I shivered from its chilliness but weirdly sensed warmth as he gently held my cheek.

“I ate.” I said in a groggy voice. I lied down and pulled the blanket that wasn’t enough to conceal the cold no matter how thick it is.

“One spoon of soup isn’t what you call ‘eating’, Gun.” His stern voice made me smile.

“Wow. I didn’t know you watch my every move. How creepy.” I grinned as my tired eyes closed themselves automatically.

“You have the nerve to joke while you’re in this state?” I felt him setting a patch on my forehead. With little energy, I forced myself to capture his hand and place it back on my cheek.

“I’m feeling a lot better now that you’re here.” I muttered. The comfort of silence between us was exquisite. I could certainly imagine myself being alone with him on our humble home when we’re old and wrinkly. He’ll be reading books near the window as the sun kiss a part of his face. And I’d be lucky enough to capture that moment with every stroke of my paintbrush.

The crickets sang as the wind blew harder on the mountain where we’re at, making the tent move a little.

For minutes, we just lied there- not wanting to let go.

But I know he can’t stay.

“You can go now, P’Off. They’re going to wonder where you are. And besides, you need to sleep, too. We’ve got a hike for tomorrow.” I said and released his hand. I waited for his warmth to leave my skin, but I still feel it against me. My eyes fluttered open and caught him staring intently. As if I’m the most beautiful person he has ever seen in his entire life.

As if he hasn’t seen a mirror.

“I won’t be able to sleep knowing you’re alone here.” Is it bad to be turned on right now with his hoarse and deep voice? I smiled at the thought. Who am I kidding? Everything about him turns me on.

“So, are you going to sleep here?” My hands started to fidget on his clothes. I don’t want to sound desperate, but I cannot control it either. I was never a pretender. So, I closed my eyes and wished he wouldn’t go.

“Can I sleep beside you, Gun?” he whispered like a plea for his dear life. His heartfelt embrace invaded my personal space, and it didn’t bother me. I want him as close as possible. “Let me take care of you.” My forehead received a kiss that made me think, having a flu isn’t so bad at all when he’s here.

A sudden outburst of cough came. My hands instantly flew to my mouth and massaged my chest, hoping I’d feel better.

But it didn’t work.

For weeks, I’ve been regaining my consciousness back- my memories. Maybe that’s why my head is throbbing all the time- I would force myself to remember. Sometimes, it works. Otherwise, it’ll just cause my head to throb painfully.

And maybe, that’s why waking up crying is a normal thing for me now. All of my recollections became a blow. Questions poured.

But no one was willing to answer.

I submitted my resignation letter at the gallery before I left. P’Jennie didn’t seem to be pleased when I told her that I would quit.

“Why? You’ve had your debut, Atthaphan. Why would you suddenly throw this away?” she pointed angrily at the white envelope on her desk and all I could do is stare at it. “Are you not happy? Is this not… your passion?”

I didn’t answer for seconds. I was contemplating if telling her what’s happening would help her understand why I needed to do this but all I can say was “Phi. I’m starting to remember.”

Hushed atmosphere surrounded the room that moment. She eventually nodded but didn’t accept my resignation letter. Instead, she made me use my vacation leave that I haven’t been able to use for 3 years.

And I found myself in the places of my memory lane.

My senses are gradually hearing the waves of the sea, feeling the sand and the picnic cloth against my back, and seeing the structure of the cave’s ceiling. I slowly got up while wiping the corners of my eyes.

Mook’s going to explode if she knew that I spent the night in a cave with just a thin cloth as my mattress and my blanket.

I opened my phone and smiled when I saw that I had over 30 text messages from her.

_“Bitch.”_

_“Call me.”_

_“Call me, jerk.”_

_“These kids are annoying.”_

_“What the hell.”_

_“Why am I even here?”_

And on repeat. I dialed her number and for just three rings, she picked it up.

“Wow. Good fucking morning. Where have you been?” Hmm. Strange. Her scary tone sounded like a lullaby to my ears.

“How many times do I have to tell you not to swear in front of the kids?”

“I’m not in front of them. I’m by the door ‘cuz I’m freaking sure that I’ll swear at you nonstop.”

There were many who could be a substitute teacher for my class but I specifically suggested Mook. They know her already. And besides, she’s all that I can trust when it comes to my kids.

She didn’t question me why I suddenly showed up at her door and asked this as a favor.

But she definitely gave me an earful of cusses like what she’s doing right now.

“Where the fuck have you been, you little piece of shit? Why would you pass me your responsibilities? Am I going to get paid for this? And if so, is my wager going to be worth it ‘cuz I’ve had it with these pests! They’re like a mini you!”

“So, you do love them?”

“What?!”

“You love me, and they are mini me’s. So, by the transitive property, you love them.”

“Oh, do not, Atthaphan. Oh! You do not want to mess with me right now with your properties. You haven’t been replying to my messages!”

I tried to contain my laughter from her hysterics.

“Alright. I’m sorry. But why didn’t you call?”

The other line went silent. She didn’t respond for seconds. But when she finally spoke, it was in a different tone that could’ve surprised me if it wasn’t for the fact that I’ve known her long enough to memorize her mood swings.

“I didn’t want to disturb your… immense finding-yourself extravaganza.” Images of her rolling her eyes at me became clear on my mind.

“So, you just bombarded me with texts?” I chuckled.

“I worry, Gun. You said that this is your first time flipping out over your lost memories. It was like a delayed identity crisis- two years after the incident. I’m not going to probe you now ‘cuz I don’t want to be pushy and I certainly hope you’re gonna tell me what’s going on as soon as possible, but everyone’s baffled. Our friends are calling me- asking where the hell you are. Your family’s finding you. And Jaylerr’s bugging me like crazy! At least, tell them that you’re okay. Why are you hiding?”

I could hear the sound of my kids laughing at her background from all that she has said. A bitter smile came across my face when I spoke.

“Mook, my friends, my family...” I licked my lower lip and continued. “, And Jaylerr. I think everyone’s been lying to me this whole time.”

The breeze from the sea came rushing towards me. Goosebumps arrived making my skin tingle for a bit. I deeply inhaled, hoping I’d feel better from the headache and emotional turmoil overwhelming me these past few days.

But it didn’t help.

“What?” she asked- undoubtedly confused. I honestly don’t know if Mook’s one of the people who’s been keeping me away from the truth. And I probably shouldn’t tell her that I’m starting to remember, but one thing I’ve learned about her is she’s a great pretender-

But she can’t lie.

Not to me, at least.

But Jaylerr? It’s impossible for him not to know anything. He made me believe that we were together back then.

He made me believe that I loved him.

And Off has been kept in the darkest depth of my mind for two years. I could only imagine the pain when he found out that he’s the only one I can’t remember.

Why would Jaylerr do such a thing? I know that they’re not in good terms but Off is still his brother.

Why would Jaylerr do such a thing to me?

I was going to confront him face-to-face, the same day I visited Mook at her house, but I’m done relying on him.

It’s all lies.

My phone beeped and P’Tay’s name popped up on the screen.

_“The event will start at 5 PM. Are you ready?”_

So instead, I found a way to ask from the most dependable source I have.

“Mook, I have to go. I’ll tell you everything once I got my answers.”

“What- wait!” Seconds passed. I thought she was going to yell at me again but the only sound she made was a sigh of defeat. “Nevermind. You’re going to do what you want anyway. Just… eat.”

I grinned and nodded as if she can see me through a phone call. “Okay.” I whispered before I got up and packed my things.

Days ago, I messaged Tay to go out on a dinner with me.

But he avoided my requests.

He knew that I’ve noticed how weird he got when he introduced me to that _certain friend_. He knew that he had slipped an important detail of my life.

But he didn’t know how desperate I am to know everything.

So, I went to Vihokratana Inc. and made an appointment to meet P’ face-to-face. And when I finally laid my eyes on him, I saw fear within his. He tried to brush it off by nonchalantly greeting me and by playing dumb, but I became more cautious with my surroundings ever since the only thoughts in my head were nothing but questions- topic: betrayal.

“Knock it off, P’. I beg of you.” I mustered up the most earnestness for reality that I’ve felt for the past few weeks. And I think he knew how much it meant to me when his façade slowly wore down.

“As much as I wanted to tell you, Gun, I am in no place.” He played with his wine and stared at it for a minute. “But I can help you ask him personally.”

And here we are.

I gazed at the people in tuxedos and cocktail dresses entering the building- attending the merging of the two large companies, Thanat and Perawat. P’Tay said that the ONE resort will hold the gathering of the most successful businessmen in the industry.

ONE resort is Adulkittiporn’s business.

And this is where I remember being at every time Off and I would want to go at the beach.

I fixed my suit and walked inside, trying to blend in. I didn’t expect the photographers waiting by the front door. The exclusivity of the party is evident in the air. Only the rich and most elite have the luxury to join.

It’s alienating to be here.

And more so when the receptionist stopped me from walking towards the glass door and demanded for my invitation letter.

“Sir?”

“Uhmm. I don’t… have it in me. But my friend is inside.” I tried reasoning but caught my tongue in the middle of talking when I realized that it was the lamest excuse I could have possibly come up with. Maybe, she’d let me in if I said that I was one of the staff.

“I’m sorry, Sir. No invitations, no entry. It’s protocol.” The woman in the pencil skirt said.

This is the crowd of select few. Of course, their security is more important than anything. What did I expect?

I nodded and was ready to just wait outside for P’Tay when a man in his early 30’s went beside me.

“Don’t worry. He’s with me.” He exhibited a kind smile towards her. He’s wearing a vintage but classic tux that simply screams power. My mouth gaped open while looking at him. The other businessmen that I encountered earlier didn’t seem to have this kind of aura.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Ruangroj.” The receptionist bowed to him as his unfamiliar face glanced at my direction.

Then I remembered that my memory is a mess. Do I know him before the incident?

‘Cuz if I didn’t, why would he suddenly help me?

“Let’s go.”

I nodded before the guards opened the glass door. Everything inside is articulately designed with its modernity. High ceilings. Marbled floor. Sparkling chandeliers. The resort itself has a vacation vibe, as it should. It was shocking to see a room like this. It felt like I was in the city.

“Good afternoon.” The man named Mr. Ruangroj was greeted by everyone. I look like a butler on his side even if this is the most expensive suit that I own.

Then I wonder how it feels like to be beside Off Jumpol Adulkittiporn.

We stopped at a high table and I nearly flinched when he suddenly faced me. “Hi. I’m Singto Prachaya Ruangroj.” He held out his hand gracefully and I accepted it with the pent-up nervousness within me.

“Oh. I’m Gun Atthaphan Phunsawat. Thank you for saving me back there.”

“Happy to help. I know how it’s like to be outside the party just because you lost your invitation.” He chuckled as I stared at him, trying not to furrow my eyebrows. Guilt crept up within me for spurting out dishonest words earlier.

“Thank you again. I appreciate it.” I smiled to show how grateful I am.

“I’m sorry but do you mind if I ask what company you own? Your name sounds… kind of familiar. Or are you an investor perhaps?”

Familiar how?

“I’m not… actually. I’m just here to look for someone.”

I saw him creased his eyebrows but thankfully didn’t say anything. The lights dimmed and the emcee went up on the stage. She welcomed all the guests and introduced the CEO of both companies, but I didn’t quite paid attention to all of that. I was subtly looking around the room, hoping to find a familiar silhouette of a man that I’ve been constantly dreaming of for the past two years.

“Tell me about it. Maybe it’s someone that I know.”

I glanced at Singto as he clapped and gazed upon the stage.

Of course, he would know. 

“It’s Off Jumpol Adulkittiporn.”

“Oh, Mr. Adulkittiporn? You know him?”

He’s kinda my boyfriend. Or my ex.

I don’t really know at this point. All the memories are jumbled up. It’s chaos in there.

“Yeah. Do you know where I could find him?”

“Thank you everyone for attending this joyful occasion.” A man named Mr. Perawat said with a mic on his hand. All eyes are on him, including Mr. Ruangroj’s, while I still waited for an answer. I sipped on the champagne handed to us earlier and stared at my phone, looking at a text message from P’Tay.

_“I’m sorry. Traffic. I’m here. Where are you?”_

I was about to reply my location when Singto responded.

And I wish he didn’t.

“Mr. Adulkittiporn’s probably around here somewhere with his fiancée.”

For the past few weeks, I’ve contemplated all types of scenario where I would meet him. Maybe, hug him. Say sorry. Kiss him. All the ways that I could at least comfort him from being away for two years.

But I didn’t expect this one.

“Fiancée?”

“Yeah. His girlfriend for two years. Everyone in the industry knows that power couple.” He looked at me then smiled for a moment as I stand there, stunned. My heart was pounding so loud, it feels like it’s competing with Mr. Perawat’s voice.

“I would like to take this opportunity to thank my partner, Mr. Singto Prachaya Ruangroj.” He said and without warning, the spotlight came in our direction.

At times like this, I would panic like I always do when I feel that everyone’s attention was onto me- or even just near me.

But I didn’t even flinch.

“Please, come up on stage, baby.” The audience chuckled with delight as Singto patted me on the shoulder for a bit.

“Good luck finding him. Excuse me.”

My mind was scattered. I didn’t know what to do. Or at least, what to say. I could’ve clapped out of respect. I could’ve smiled. I could’ve thanked him for his help.

But when he walked out of my sight, I immediately saw another pair of eyes staring back at me.

Is this a coincidence? Is this fate? Is there someone out there doing a prank on me and is waiting on how I would react when I see the man I fell in love with is now holding another girl’s waist?

We were just there, looking at each other. I want to at least ask him every question that has been swirling on my mind.

What happened? Why is everyone covering up the truth about us? Why would Jaylerr lie or set these all up?

I waited patiently for the missing piece.

I waited.

Why didn’t I see you the moment I woke up in the hospital?

My vision was starting to get blur. I tried to swallow the ball stuck in my throat, but it just keeps growing and growing until I tried to laugh it off, grateful for the dimmed lights. I wish he couldn’t see how my tears are continuously pouring like a neglected faucet in the night.

I remembered the day that I got a flu, and how he took care of me. I felt his warmth the whole night but when the morning came, he was gone- completely.

Maybe, that was our relationship all along. Hidden from the rest.

And me forgetting about him is a convenience.

That’s why he ran away when he saw me.

Two years girlfriend, huh?

I chuckled and glanced at my cold fingers- wiping the water still falling effortlessly. I sobbed quietly, careful not to make any sound or any movements. I can’t even wipe the tears on my cheeks.

Because then, he would know.

It’s better to pretend that I don’t remember at all.

“Gun?” A hand touched me from my back. I quickly turned to him with the pandemonium on my face. “I’m really sorry. The tra- What. Are you-“

“Phi.” I cut him off before he could even ask anything. “I want to go home.” I sounded like a weeping child, but I didn’t care.

I want to go home.

“Okay. But have you talked to him yet? This is what you came for, right? To question him?”

I bit my lip and mustered a smile that lasted for milliseconds.

I sure am not a great pretender.

“Don’t worry. I got my answers.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. Thank you for waiting so long for this. I was on a writer's block and can't recall the plot and shits for the story. But then I remembered that I wrote everything on my notebook. I will try to update more often. I will post updates on my twitter, @otingocniX.
> 
> And one more favor. If you know me from my previous account, sshh. I'm tryna hide from my family and irl friends. They can't know that I write every time the night comes. Especially, smuts. LOL. Thank you very much.
> 
> -X


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